A Guide for Shifting from Stress and Blame to Solutions (Part 2 of a 3-part series)
In Part 1 of this series, we explored why chronic lateness can feel so personal, especially in neurodivergent families where it can tie back to executive function and other neurological factors that can make “time management” more complicated than in other families. We looked at why lateness can be more a function of a parent’s “wiring” rather than negative intention.
Now, let’s shift from the “why” to the “what you can do about it.” This article is a resource—a strategic blueprint laying out practical tools you can add to your co-parenting toolbox to reduce conflict and create more predictability for your entire family.
Strategy 1: Shift From Blame to Data to Understand What’s Causing Lateness
The first and most powerful step is to stop treating the person as the problem and start treating the pattern as a challenge to be dealt with together. This requires moving away from—understandably strong—emotions toward analysis to get at what’s really going on.
Become an Investigative Team
Instead of leading with frustration, start with curiosity. Work together as a team to gather data without blame, seeing where the system is actually getting off track.
Examine the problem from different angles to find the sticking points:
“I’ve noticed Friday evenings are consistently tough. What’s happening around that time?”
“Getting to school on time seems to be our biggest sticking point. What does the lead-up to drop-off usually look like when the kids are with you?”
This reframes the conversation from a conflict to a logistical puzzle, focusing the lens on the problem instead of on each other.
This approach allows you to distinguish between capability/capacity issues (the “can’ts”) and behavioral choices (the “won’ts”). Not all lateness has the same cause; some stems from challenges like executive functioning deficits or overwhelm, while other lateness is behavioral. Recognizing this difference can help parents choose the right tools instead of defaulting to frustration.
Treating all lateness the same only fuels anger and conflict. By identifying the specific drivers, you can focus your energy where it can be the most beneficial—building skills and strategies for the “can’ts,” while addressing the “won’ts” with different tools. This reframing heads off escalation and positions you on the same side as problem-solvers working for your children’s benefit.
Use Impact-Focused Language
The language you use to address lateness is critical. An accusation like, “You’re late again,” almost guarantees a defensive reaction. Instead, when possible, lead with the impact of the action and a shared goal.
“When pickup was later than expected, the kids were anxious. Can we talk through some ideas to help us avoid that next time?”
“When delays happen and the kids get impatient, it can be overwhelming for me. How about we come up with a backup plan so we can stay on track better when the unexpected happens?”
“Has something changed that affects our schedule? If so, let’s talk about how to adapt to what’s new.”
This approach centers the discussion on the effect of the pattern and focuses on future solutions, instead of staying stuck on past grievances. It’s a principle of communication models like BIFF for CoParent Communication, by Bill Eddy.
Strategy 2: Co-Create an “External Brain” for Time Management Support
For many neurodivergent individuals, challenges with executive function or “time blindness” are persistent, regardless of good intentions. If a person’s internal time management system is unreliable, one practical approach is to build a shared, external system that both parents can depend on.
This is not about blame, worthiness, or punishment; it’s about providing the right tools to build a supportive and successful system.
Scaffold the Process
Complex transitions are often where things break down. Instead of just focusing on the deadline, work together to scaffold the actual steps required to be on time. This isn’t micromanaging; it’s co-creating a recipe for success.
A powerful technique is to plan in two directions: map out the steps from start to finish, and then work backward from the arrival time to see if the timeline is realistic. This process helps identify where extra time or specific supports are needed.
Use Shared Digital Tools for Better Time Management
Put technology to work for your family so everyone can be on the same page.
- Shared Calendars: Use apps with automatic travel-time alerts, color-coding, and multiple reminders that can be set to ping both parents.
- Routine Texts & Updates: A simple, no-fault text message like “Leaving now” or “Hit traffic, will be 15 min late” is a powerful tool. An update, even a small one, can reduce anxiety and allow the other parent to manage things on their end.
- Alarms and Timers: Use multiple phone alarms as countdowns for the transition process (e.g., “4:30 PM: Wrap up work,” “4:45 PM: Pack bag,” “4:55 PM: Leave now”).
- Visual Checklists: A printed, posted checklist for leaving the house (e.g., “Backpack? Lunchbox? Coat?”) can reduce mental load and prevent last-minute delays.
Remember, these systems are dynamic, and things will change over time and need to be adjusted.
So when missteps or the unexpected keep happening, it’s not a failure—it’s a signal to go back to the investigative stage so that together you can keep up with what you currently need and not hold too tightly onto what’s no longer up to date.
Strategy 3: Design Your Co-Parenting Schedules for Resilience
Even the best plans must work in the real world, where change and challenges are guaranteed. A resilient co-parenting system isn’t about perfect performance; it’s about having the backups, options, and flexibility needed to respond, recover, and adapt when things don’t go as planned.
Trade Rigid Deadlines for Flexible Co-Parenting Windows
The intense pressure of a “5:00 PM sharp” deadline can worsen anxiety and make lateness more likely for those who struggle with time management. A simple way to build resilience into your schedule is to replace rigid deadlines with realistic windows. For example, agree that:
“Pickup will be between 5:00 and 5:30.”
This small change has a big impact: it gives children a clear but more flexible expectation, lowers the pressure on the arriving parent, and provides the waiting parent with realistic bounds for planning.
Pre-Plan for the “What ifs” that Can Derail You
Proactively build contingency plans so that when life inevitably intervenes, you have a shared playbook instead of a fresh conflict. This is also a powerful way to involve your children and reduce their anxiety.
Give them a simple, predictable script for delays, such as:
“If Dad is running a few minutes late, we’ll start reading a book together until he arrives. We know he is on his way.“
For neurodivergent children especially, having a predictable script lowers uncertainty and helps them regulate. Having scripts like this can help reassure children that the adults have a plan, which is crucial for their sense of stability.
Building a More Resilient System Benefits the Whole Family, Especially When There’s Neurodivergence and Special Needs
These strategies aren’t about “giving in” to lateness. They are about co-creating a more resilient and cooperative co-parenting dynamic that sets everyone—parents and children alike—up for success.
By shifting from blame to data, building external support, and designing for resilience, you can reduce conflict and bring a new sense of confidence to your family’s planning.
These strategies reflect approaches I use in my own mediation work with parents and families, and in my own life as a parent. It takes practice, patience, intention, and sometimes outside support.
But what if your co-parent is unwilling to work with you on these strategies? In Part 3, we’ll discuss the final layer: how to manage intentional conflict and the role of a mediator in getting your parenting team back on track.
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Erik M Feig is a parent and family mediator, co-parenting specialist, and founder of Feig Mediation Group. Located in Bethesda, MD and serving families nationwide with a focus on neurodiverse and special needs families, he is a frequent speaker and writer about ways to reduce stress and conflict in families with complex needs.
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