Why a Co-Parent's Lateness Feels Like Disrespect—and What Might Really Be Going On
For co-parents, lateness is one of those seemingly minor issues that can create an outsized amount of friction. For divorcing and divorced neurodivergent families, where consistency and predictability aren’t optional, chronic lateness quickly can become a flashpoint for the entire family.
Consider this scenario:
It’s 5:15 p.m. on Friday, and the kids’ backpacks are ready by the door. Every “Is he here yet?” sends a fresh wave of anxiety through you. By the time your ex-partner’s headlights finally sweep across the driveway at 5:55, the routine, happy transition you wanted for your children has been overshadowed by your mounting frustration.
Or this one:
You’re in your seats waiting for your child’s concert to start, reassuring your other kids, “Mom will be here soon.” But as the music begins, the seat you saved is still empty. She finally rushes in during the third song, but at this point, you’re no longer holding a seat. You’re bracing for your kid’s disappointment.
These moments are deeply frustrating for everyone involved, but conflict isn’t always about major events. Sometimes, it’s about the steady drip-drip-drip of smaller incidents—the repeated 15-minute delays for dinner, the chronic scramble for school drop-off with the kids being “just a little bit tardy”—that create the most damage through repetition without resolution.
The waiting parent’s reaction often follows a familiar script: a flash of anger and the assumption of negative intention. This pattern is exhausting, but for a neurodivergent child who craves consistent routines, these disruptions can provoke significant anxiety and overwhelm with longer term impact.
As a parent and family mediator who works specifically with neurodivergent and special needs families, I see these situations commonly. In my experience, resolving this cycle requires a new framework– one that looks beyond the surface-level conflict to find solutions that work for the entire family.
The Familiar Scripts: When Reactions Take Over
When frustration bubbles over, the conflict often follows a predictable path.
It Starts with the Parent’s Accusation
Whether spoken at the front door or sent in a sharp text, the words are a clear signal that conflict is imminent:
“You’re late, again.”
“Why can’t you ever be on time?”
“This isn’t fair to the kids. You promised them.”
These phrases, while born from genuine hurt often combined with feelings of helplessness about improvement, aren’t invitations to solve a problem. Instead, they land as attacks. This approach almost always triggers a defensive reaction—to disengage, defend, or counterattack—locking you both into a cycle of blame and response, instead of getting at what’s really causing the issue in the first place.
It’s Reinforced by the Child’s Anxiety
Layered on top of the parental conflict are the children’s reactions. Their words, tone, and non-verbal signals—like a slumped posture or withdrawn quietness—provide windows into how this conflict impacts them:
(Said quietly) “I was worried you weren’t coming.”
(With a flat tone) “Oh. You’re here. Finally.”
(As a recurring question) “Are we going to be late?”
A child’s reactions in these moments are important data, communicating that the inconsistency has breached their sense of safety and order. And it’s not only activating for the children, their reactions are often an escalating trigger for the parents too.
In my opinion, this real-world impact is among the most compelling motivations to find a new way forward: one that tackles problems at their roots to improve the system for everyone, rather than simply punishing an “offender” until the next round.
It Feels Like Disrespect. But What If It’s Something Else?
Feeling disrespected or devalued when your co-parent is chronically late is a valid reaction. Life happens, and an occasional delay is navigable. But a chronic pattern can also signal a breakdown in the system, and being able to identify the cause can an important step towards effectively resolving it.
This is where it often can be helpful to pause and consider what’s creating – or perpetuating – the pattern. At the risk of speaking too broadly, chronic lateness in co-parenting frequently stems from one of two categories of sources: intentional acts or functional challenges.
Sometimes, lateness is intentional—for instance, as a way to perpetuate conflict, express resentment, or maintain a level of control. Those situations are damaging and require their own set of firm boundaries and clear consequences.
This article, however, focuses on the second source, which is powerful but often misunderstood or misattributed: functional challenges. In these cases, the repeated impact—your frustration and your child’s anxiety—is just as real and damaging, even if there is not necessarily any negative intention. To change this type of dynamic, it’s helpful to look beyond our immediate assumptions and consider other factors.
Another Lens: The Neurodivergent Dynamic
Our first assumption is often that the lateness is a sign of disrespect or a character flaw. But what if there’s another, deeper driver that comes from brain-based wiring?
Think of ‘executive function’ as the Air Traffic Control center of the brain. It manages planning, prioritizing, and perceiving time. For many neurodivergent individuals, this “control center” functions differently.
● For the chronically late parent, this might manifest as “time blindness” -a genuine difficulty estimating how long tasks will take.
● For the waiting parent, who may sometimes also be neurodivergent, this disruption can be profoundly dysregulating, undermining the systems they themself use to stay grounded.
When we see it this way, the question is no longer about ‘right’ vs. ‘wrong.’ It’s about navigating complex interactions between (at least) two different operating systems that are out of sync – and doing so for the benefit of the parents AND the children.
From Blame to Blueprint: Creating A Path Forward
Understanding that you may be dealing with a functional and logistical challenge, not intention or a “moral failing,” is the first step toward a real solution.
In Part 2 of this three-part series, I’ll give you a strategic blueprint to help you start your path to problem solving. We’ll move from the “what” and “why” considerations to “how” and outline a process you can build together to help make lateness a relic of your co-parenting past.
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Erik M Feig is a parent and family mediator, co-parenting specialist, and founder of Feig Mediation Group. Located in Bethesda, MD and serving families nationwide with a focus on neurodiverse and special needs families, he is a frequent speaker and writer about ways to reduce stress and conflict in families with complex needs.