In This Article, You’ll Learn:
Why trying to force a reluctant partner into counseling often backfires and what you can do instead.
How to shift your focus from what you can’t control (their willingness) to what you can control (your own skills and strategies).
What Conflict Coaching is and how it empowers you to change the dynamic, even on your own.
Dealing with parent and family conflict is never a standard, one-size-fits-all proposition. Countless individuals feel the frustration that comes with feeling stuck, unheard, or not understood – whether you’re at a stalemate in marriage counseling, struggling to communicate with a difficult co-parent, or trying to get siblings to agree on a plan for caring for an aging parent.
Because every situation is unique, finding the right support requires a thoughtful, tailored approach based on the challenge and, just as importantly, the people involved.
The Futility of Force: Why You Can’t Drag Someone to Change
When we’re desperate for a change or ready to create a plan to get things in motion in a new or different direction, it’s natural to want to push, persuade, or even pressure our partner or family members into getting on board. But genuine, lasting change – the kind that requires buy-in – can’t be forced.
Whether it’s couples therapy, family therapy, or other similar interventions, attempting to drag a reluctant partner into a process that demands deep engagement from them when they’re not open to it or ready for it risks backfiring, resulting in greater resistance, resentment, and even new blocks to change. This is why shifting your focus from persuasion to personal strategy can be a strong, effective first step.
A Fork in the Road: Two Paths to Consider
When the door to counseling and therapeutic interventions closes, it’s easy to think that all collaborative options are gone, leaving the only option for progress as moving forward alone.
But before focusing solely on an individual path, it’s worth considering if a different type of joint work might be more acceptable to your partner or family member.
- Path 1: A Different Way to Work Together (Mediation). Unlike counseling, which often focuses on the emotional history and dynamics of a relationship, mediation is a more tactical, issue-driven process focused on the future.
The goal is more narrowly tailored, practical problem-solving: creating a budget, figuring out a schedule, or making a specific decision about a shared family asset. With its limited scope and focus on identifiable issues and tangible outcomes, some families find it a less “loaded” and more agreeable option for working together.
- Path 2: A Way to Move Forward on Your Own (Coaching). If even a practical, goal-oriented process like mediation is off the table, you are still not out of options. There is another powerful path that depends only on you.
This is where you can shift your focus from a process centered on working together to one focused on what’s in your control: yourself.
Conflict Coaching: Changing the Dynamic by Empowering Yourself
Instead of banging on a closed door, you can turn your attention to opening a new one for yourself. This means working directly with a dedicated “thinking partner” whose focus is on helping you build your personal skillkit for navigating disagreement and conflict.
It’s a proactive, empowering strategy. The goal isn’t to assign blame, but to focus on the future. It’s about changing the “choreography” of your interactions by learning new steps yourself—a change that invites a different response from your partner or family.
What You Can Control: Practical Skills You Can Build
This isn’t just about positive thinking; it’s about building tangible skills.
Working with a coach helps you practice and master new tools, perspectives, and approaches for your real-life situations.
Building these skills can not only lower your personal stress and frustration, but it can also help you create opportunities for progress and alignment.
These skills can often include:
- De-escalating conflict
- Developing communication strategies
- Setting healthier boundaries
- Managing your own reactivity
Building A Deeper Personal Skillkit: Coaching Alongside Therapy
People who seek out this kind of coaching support are sometimes also in individual therapy themselves. It’s important to know that these resources are not an “either/or” proposition; they can be a powerful “and” where each builds on progress from the other.
Therapy often helps us understand the “why” behind our patterns. Conflict coaching, on the other hand, provides the practical “how” for what can be done right now. The insights from therapy can supercharge the strategies developed in coaching, and vice versa.
That’s Why We Offer Conflict Coaching
All of this speaks to why we created this empowering, skill-based option in our firm. It’s an option that addresses a significant need: providing necessary support for situations where one family member is prepared to tackle a problem, but the other interested parties are not.
It is a powerful standalone option that can create opportunities for change, and it can also serve as a preparatory step for a future where your partner may become more open to a joint process.
To see how conflict coaching compares to other supportive options like family mediation, you can read our guide here: Mediation and Conflict Coaching: Two Powerful Options When You Need to Resolve Family Conflict
The Power to Move Forward is in Your Hands
Your partner’s unwillingness to attend counseling does not mean you are out of options. The most significant changes in a relationship dynamic often begin with the courageous choice of one person to learn a new way of engaging, creating a more cooperative and aligned environment for everyone involved, especially children.
If you’re ready to stop feeling stuck and start building your own skills, you can learn more about the process and benefits of Conflict Coaching.
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Erik M Feig is a parent and family mediator, co-parenting specialist, and founder of Feig Mediation Group. Located in Bethesda, MD and serving families nationwide with a focus on neurodiverse and special needs families, he is a frequent speaker and writer about ways to reduce stress and conflict in families, especially those with complex needs.