Getting Ready for the Next Normal: Tips for Parents in Neurodiverse Families to Reduce Stress and Stay In-Step

The world is changing…AGAIN. Increased availability of vaccines are creating more opportunities to return to in-person activities—just when we got accustomed to our COVID-adapted situations.

While this is good news overall, it does cause families to face yet another transition and new sets of decisions to make and manage. But unlike last year’s abrupt shift, this time parents have an opportunity to collaboratively plan for the next phase, which can make a positive difference in experiences and outcomes for neurodiverse families where change can be especially difficult, if not traumatic.

Recently, my wife and I spent an hour re-mapping the logistics required for us to take our kids to and from their three schools (elementary, middle, and high school), the last of which has moved from fully remote to a hybrid model with in-person and virtual days overlapping those of our other children. Next, we layered onto the scheduling matrix our weekly academic, behavioral, and emotional support services and extracurricular activities, to give us a visual representation of what we will now need to adjust – again – to accommodate the new academic schedules. In families like ours where neurodiversity is a central factor, engaging in this type of preemptive planning can be a vital tool to reduce stress and uncertainty, while helping keep us in step with each other as parents and the family on-track when the unexpected inevitably happens.

Our experience may be similar to what your family currently faces (or is about to face). The ability to stay connected and aligned as parents as we plan for and adapt to the next “normal” will impact the level of stress our children and we, as parents, experience.

As a mediator who is also a father, my goal is to help parents have constructive conversations before conflict settles in, to build alignment, resilience, and hopefully to reduce stress. Setting aside time for structured “planning conversations” can be a great tool to help parents align with each other. Here are some suggestions to help parents frame these types of conversations as we move into the next phase:

• What’s been working for each of you and for the family during the past year?

 

• What would be helpful to do differently going forward? Look for ways to use the last year as an opportunity to learn from experience and consider new ideas and approaches together.

 

• Take inventory: it’s difficult to make any decisions if you don’t have a complete picture. For example: 

• What are your goals, your hopes, and needs going forward – for yourself, as a parent team, and for your family?
• Do you have a view of the family schedule for each family member and for the entire family? If not, it can be helpful to create one.
• Identify who is impacted directly by each item on the schedule (for example, a child may attend an event, but a parent may also be required for transportation).

 

• After you have your inventory, assess your situation and together start building your family roadmap. 

• What will be your roles and expectations?
• How will you make decisions and share the load?
• Who will take charge of which activities?
• How will you keep each other informed?
• Who needs to be where, and when?

 

• Talk about what can be done, individually or together, to reduce obstacles and to stay aligned with each other:

• Talk about what’s possible, what’s reasonable, and what’s practical. Be realistic.
• What are concrete steps you can take to coordinate effectively – for example, would a shared calendar be helpful to keep track of the various scheduling factors in real-time, whether in person/remote/hybrid?
• Who and what are YOUR support resources? How and when will you engage them? Will new ones be necessary or helpful?
• What will be your backup plans when things change?

 

• Commit to check in with each other periodically on how things are going. 

• Consider how you will assess, together, what’s working and what could be improved.
• What steps can you take to keep things on track?
• Will there be opportunities to simplify things by doing less? If you feel like you’re always sprinting or overwhelmed, consider whether you’re trying to do too much.
• Be willing to update and adapt your plans as circumstances – and your needs – change!

 

Every family is unique. These are just a few ideas that can be used to start conversations so that parents can proactively plan for change and uncertainty as we all move forward.

Creating space to communicate and work together make an enormous difference not only in your confidence, but also in your ability to perform as an aligned team ready to meet the challenges – and opportunities – of the next normal.

 

Erik M. Feig is the founder of Feig Mediation Group, a mediation practice created to be a resource for parents with the understanding that even the most aligned and committed parents can fall out of sync sometimes – particularly when important issues, decisions and conflicts affecting their neurodiverse families are on the table. If you’re interested in creating a more successful path to aligned parenting, contact me at Erik@FeigMediationGroup.com to learn more about our services.